Just Get Rid of The Elephant

Speaking with a client earlier today, he was experiencing anxiety about a second date he was going on tonight. It brought up a situation that I see frequently with clients when they are having issues with anxiety or feeling like they can’t confront a situation directly. And that simple advice is:

Just get rid of the damned elephant.

Whenever there is an interaction with another person, the outcome typically isn’t preordained and we don’t know what is going to happen. An anxious mind will look at that and generally send your brain into an alert mode, which can manifest itself physically (ie shaking, shortness of breath, tension) or mentally (like spiraling thoughts or constant questioning).

The first thing I tell people about anxiety is that it is a signal. It isn’t a bad thing at all. It’s simply your brain’s way of telling you that something is unfamiliar or uncomfortable and they want you to pay more attention to it.

Sometimes, in a situation where you are unsure about an outcome, you’ll get to a point where your mind will almost create scenarios in order to remove you from an uncomfortable situation.

A good example of this would be thinking that you need to get out of a room or not go out at all if you’re experiencing social anxiety. This is your brain doing what it thinks it needs to do to keep you safe, because big groups of people are scary.

It's completely normal. What’s important is to recognize what your brain is trying to tell you and then figure out why it’s telling you that.

The second part is that if there is an unknown outcome, it’s often lingering in the background like the proverbial elephant in the room. Standing there watching you quietly and making you feel uncomfortable. This can be something like your partner is being irritated and curt, or maybe you’re on a second date and you’re not sure if you should kiss them.

Where the skill comes in is confronting the situation directly, something that takes practice and repetition, just like any skill you don’t know how to do. With the above situation, I advised my client that a) the woman wouldn’t be going on a second date if she didn’t like you at all and b) she’s just as nervous as you are.

Often, we think that we are the sole experiencer of emotion in a two-part situation, and the reality is that the other person often feels exactly the same way you do. For those with social anxiety, I try to get them to realize that people in a room full of others are just as nervous to be there – until they experience it a few times and get comfortable.

So, by acknowledging the elephant in the room – even just to yourself – it can help calm your mind and help head towards less anxiety about a situation or conversation. Saying something like “Wow, I’m really anxious about this. I wonder why?” can go a long way.

In a dating scenario, you can actually tell the other person how you feel. “I’m happy we’re going out again, and I’m nervous about it because I like you. How do you feel?” And almost always, it will result in them admitting they are too and you laugh about it.

And the elephant walks away.

Something like a first kiss can be nipped in the bud by saying “I want to kiss you but I’m nervous about it.” It sounds corny, but if you need to say it out loud, then go ahead and do it. The person will either say yes or no, and either way, you have an answer to the question your mind is creating.

In a relationship, you can often just say “I feel like you’re upset about something. If you want to talk about it I’m happy to.” Sometimes they will say they’re not ready, sometimes they will come right out with it.

And the elephant walks away.

I fully acknowledge that this is a skill, and it takes practice and repetition. As I often say to clients, you didn’t learn to ride a bike the first time. So getting it right exactly the first time is absolutely not going to happen. And if you’re in a new situation like a second date that you haven’t been on for a long time, not knowing a hundred percent what to do is normal. So give yourself some practice in the right way.

By giving yourself the grace to make mistakes and realize you’re not going to be good at something right away, you also allow yourself to acknowledge areas where maybe you need some help. Any situation is improveable with the right application and action – but it doesn’t change overnight. Your brain and your body simply don’t work that way.  

So just get rid of the elephant.

Your anxious mind will thank you for giving it a break. And then it will come back when it’s needed. Because that’s what it is supposed to do.

If you want help with an anxious mind, please feel free to reach out at ottawamenscounseling@gmail.com or book an appointment for free at www.ottawamenscounseling.com. I’m here to help.