What is a Narcissist (and how to deal with them)?

Because it’s been coming up in my practice a lot, I thought I’d make a post about narcissism. More importantly, what a true narcissist is and isn’t. This word gets thrown around a lot by people, and often it doesn’t mean what they think it means.

This is the Cleveland Clinic definition: Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a mental health condition characterized by a long-term pattern of grandiosity, a desperate need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. People with NPD often behave arrogantly, feel entitled, and exploit others, while secretly harboring low self-esteem.

What does this mean? Well, a true narc will put themselves in a position to be admired, or try to. Their actions rarely support their statements, or they outright lie about a lot of things. They will also often default to not having empathy, for example, telling people how they should act or calling them derogatory names as a default when they disagree with something.

They often have an obsession with image and success while having a constant need for praise and attention. Often, they are bullies and will threaten false consequences when they don’t get their way or feel slighted. They will also take advantage of others to achieve goals, which means friends and relationships are fleeting or quite toxic for both parties. When confronted about behavior, they will often use DARVO – Denial, then attack, then claim they are the victim.

How do we determine if someone is actually a person with NPD as opposed to just being a bit of a jerk?

Well, there are factors at play. For example, a person with NPD will likely have their behavior affecting all areas of their life (ie. work, family, and friends) whereas a person who’s just a jerk will only be affected at work or home, and are likely okay in other areas. If confronted about something that goes against their narrative, a narcissist will actually go into a rage or experience deep hurt because their narrative is questioned. This will result in gaslighting and anger. A jerk will just get defensive or mildly angry, but not have a true breakdown.

But one of the most important factors is that a person with NPD will almost never apologize or feel true empathy, whereas a jerk will often acknowledge and experience guilt over their behavior.

If I have someone in my office who is talking about being a narcissist, my first determining question is usually what brought them there? If they are self-aware and want to make a change, odds are they aren’t a true NPD individual – because that person would never seek help – unless they were prompted to by a consequence like a marriage possibly ending. They will also often bounce from therapist to therapist to try to find somebody who will accept their narrative, even if it’s untrue. This typically also reflects in their relationships with friends and others.  

So how do we deal with a true narcissist?

Your first method is to simply not engage. Ignore communication, do not associate with them. Because what they truly want is a reaction. Disarming that by simply not participating is your first and best approach. If drawn into a conversation or conflict, stick to the facts so that the truth cannot be obscured by lying or justification. Also, realize that manipulation is a tactic for these people. They will try to elicit an emotional response or make you feel sorry for them. It’s an easily recognizable pattern, and acknowledging that this is just the way they are will go a long way towards not causing a reaction inside you.  

If you’re wondering if you or someone you know is one, odds are they actually aren’t. I’ve only met a handful in my life who I believe are true NPD individuals. Some people have tendencies towards this, but could be classified as selfish or unempathetic instead. There are a lot of jerks out there, but very few true NPD individuals.

Unfortunately, we are also in a culture where there is a bully mentality. Bullying is a narcissistic trait because it uses coercion and intimidation to try to adjust someone’s behavior. This is very easily done online, where a lot of things are somewhat anonymous. This anonymity can bring a sense of power because people can speak their minds without fear of consequence for their personal or professional lives.

However, what they are looking for – like an NPD individual often is – is a REACTION. They want engagement, and to feel self-important as a result. The easiest way to deal with those people?

As we say – don’t feed the trolls. Engagement and attention are their desire, and if they don’t get it, often they will stop trying.

Just a quick PSA, because I know it’s something people are interested in knowing more about. If you want to really dive into how to manage your life with an NPD individual in it, feel free to reach out directly.  

And no, I didn’t write this with AI. I hope some of my friends will get a chuckle out of that statement.