Why Am I So Lonely? Practical Ways Men Can Build Real Connection.

You wake up, eat, go to work, come home, scroll your phone, watch television, and go to bed. Then you do it all again tomorrow. And it’s all you’ve done for a long time.

Maybe you have coworkers or even a partner. Maybe you're even surrounded by people. Yet somehow you still feel alone. If this is you, you're not abnormal. And you're certainly not the only man experiencing it.

Loneliness is defined as the painful feeling of being alone and disconnected from other people. This doesn’t actually have to be real, by the way. It can be perceived. Some people describe it as even being in a room full of people, they still feel like they are isolated or they have nobody to connect with.

As human beings, we need connection with others. We are truly social animals, and throughout life our brains will seek out connection with others. As children, we form relationships and learn how to interact with others. Later on, we can begin to experience something called social isolation, which is different than loneliness. What this basically means is that instead of being thrown in with a bunch of peers (school or activities), we get more and more isolated through places like work and in relationships, so that our social circle closes.

What this generates is a sense of being alone. Studies show this can lead to higher rates of depression, but also things like substance abuse disorders, obesity, and elevated risk of chronic disease. To be healthy, we truly need to be social. In fact, the biggest contributor to longevity is something called community – feeling like you are part of something with other people.

So you’ve found that you are isolated, and sometimes you feel like you are lonely. What do we do about it?

Step Number One: Stop Avoiding People

Lots of people who lose or lack the experience of interacting with others may have to relearn how to do it. There is absolutely no shame in this. It’s like taking up a sport again that you played when you were a kid. Things are just different, and often you have to relearn how to flex those social muscles again.

But there’s another side to that. Sometimes our body will react and make us anxious because it is worried about the outcome that might result from putting yourself out there. Anyone who has experienced rejection, possibly while young or in high school, will have a brain that actively protects them from experiencing bad feelings again. As I tell clients, anxiety most of the time is just your brain protecting you from bad feelings it thinks you might experience.

What’s the solution? Put yourself out there.

But this doesn’t mean suddenly joining a group or doing something really uncomfortable. It can look like saying hello to a barista. Going to a mall and walking with a lot of people around and speaking with store clerks. Reaching out to an old friend, colleague or family member and connecting with them again after a long time.

If this makes you feel really uncomfortable, you start with something simple. That can look like just leaving the house. COVID created a lot of social isolation, and for many people that has lingered, especially if you don’t have a relationship or a job where you have to go interact with people.

Step Number Two: Build a Community

This requires a bit more focus and thought. The only requirement is that it has to be something that doesn’t involve being by yourself and watching a screen.

So what have you always wanted to learn about or try? And ideally, it’s something that requires other people be involved. What I often tell clients is either choose a physical activity (ie sports or skill related), a mental activity (ie a course), or something creative (like art or performing). Or you can choose more than one.

Some of my clients have taken up a new sport with a place like Ottawa Sport and Social Club. Some of them have taken up something like rock climbing or run clubs. Some of them join a dart league. Some of them take a class in stand up comedy or try out for a play or learn an instrument. Some play Magic the Gathering.

It really doesn’t matter what it is, but the important thing is having a genuine interest in it.

Another option of this step is finding a community. Usually that means a group of like minded people who meet on a regular basis. An obvious one would be a church, but it could also be a 12-step meeting, an organization like Freemasons, or even a local charity you can volunteer with. Like animals? Volunteer at a shelter once a week. Self-employed? Maybe networking would help you.

Once you figure out how you feel comfortable applying yourself, it is a lot easier to apply the third step.

Step Number Three: Stay Long Enough To Belong

Humans don’t form bonds quickly, especially men. We are social creatures, but unless you see people frequently and interact with them a lot (like at work), it takes a while to feel comfortable and also to figure out if the people you are interacting with are genuine and will give you what you’re seeking, that sense of connection.

Don’t expect you’re going to get along with everyone, and you should be mindful of people who don’t make you feel comfortable. It’s completely okay to not be okay with a group or a situation and find another one if you need to.

But what a lot of men do is show up once or twice and then give up. If it’s something weekly, dedicate yourself to giving it three to six months. Speak to people regularly.

One important thing to remember is that everyone in that room or doing that thing was new at it once, and likely felt exactly the same way you do. They’re just better at it because they’ve done it more often. Social situations need to be practiced, just like anything else.

It will take a while to form bonds so that when you do feel those lonely feelings, you can acknowledge that you aren’t truly alone, because you can simply reach out and connect with someone. Plus, you have a regular activity to look forward to and enjoy. Give it at least 3-6 months of consistency. After all, you wouldn’t go to the gym and expect results in weeks, or at least I hope not.

If you need some more guidance or just somebody to help you figure out these feelings, my door is always open and I welcome you to reach out to talk. Feel free to jump onto my web site and book a free phone call to see if we are a good fit. If loneliness is affecting your life, I’m happy to help.

Now, get out there and try something new! You might be surprised where it will take you.